Last week I bought tickets to a program featuring Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements, when he spoke in San Francisco. You may recognize his name because his book was on the New York Times best seller list for over seven years. The practical wisdom contained in The Four Agreements transforms lives, including mine. (You will find more about this book at the end of my post.)
I continue to learn from Don Miguel. My newest learning or as I like to say, “MY Aha Moment”, came when he said, and forgive me for paraphrasing his words, “Do not allow yourself to be a secondary character in your story. You are the primary author. Be a primary character too. Write with the pen that you hold in your own hand.”
It makes so much sense! When you surrender your story (your life) to the control of someone else, you lose the ability to chart the course! You don’t have any influence over the tone or tempo of the narrative. They may even write you out of your story altogether!
Are you willing to abandon your story – the treasury of your dreams, passions and goals?
I hope you are shouting a resounding “HELL NO, GIRLFRIEND!!”. You get one shot in this life so you better take it. Stop treating your life as if it were a dress rehearsal. Please, WRITE YOUR OWN STORY because we are waiting to witness your brilliance. Shine on!
Oh and if you don’t like your story, REWRITE it! Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Realistically though, we sometimes have days or moments when we feel a little “less than”, you know the days you prefer to wrap up in a blanket and protect yourself from the demands of the day? You may find these mantras helpful as you make the shift towards regaining control.
- I have the right to direct the course of my life. This is my story and I am the primary character.
- I will not allow anyone to disrespect my mind or my body.
- I am the only person responsible for my happiness. It is an inside job!
- I have the power to say yes. I have the power to say no.
- I am perfectly imperfect. I do not chase perfection.
- I am worthy of love. True love is unconditional.
- I will find compassion for what I do not understand.
- I choose positivity over negativity. I choose the light over the dark.
- I will surround myself with people worthy of my time and attention. Time is valuable.
- I am never alone when I love the person I have become.
In the comments below, please feel free to add your mantras to my list of empowering statements. Together we can hold each other up. Your life = your story. I can’t wait to read the next chapter!
From the heart,
I found this really nice review of the Four Agreements on www.toltecwisdom.com I picked up the book in 2000 because EVERYONE was talking about it. Don Miguel’s wisdom is simple, timeless and...
I love birthdays! In fact, I usually have a big birthday bash but this year I am feeling a little quiet, a little more contemplative. As a gift to both myself and to my followers, I have special surprises lined up in the month of November. Think of it as a little sunshine coming from my keyboard to your screen. A dose of quirky humor and a whole lot of moxy! Dive inside my head for a virtual our of Cara 2.0!
If you use Periscope (live streaming interactive video chats), you can find me a few times a week broadcasting with a motivational group called #Peri10k. I feel so “with it” to be using this technology! I actually was on Periscope before my kids were – an AWESOME feeling. Yes, I proudly still use AOL account but my Periscope account balances it out! Retro and Hip, right?
Happy Birthday to me! I wish us all an abundance of the “5 C’s”:
If you enjoy reading My Girlfriend Voice, I would be very appreciative if you signed up to follow me by email — the link is towards the upper right hand corner of the web page. I promise not to SPAM you! I won’t sell your email address unless you make me really angry. Ha!
With giggles and mucho moxy,
Perfectly Imperfect Badass
The thrill is in the hunt and the hunt I am referring to is treasure hunting for goodies at art fairs and thrift shops. I scored last weekend when I found a lovely handmade necklace. Here is the cool part. The delicate silver chain supports a tiny rectangle that says BADASS. It doesn’t scream BADASS because the word is stamped in Braille. I can wear it 24/7 and not offend anyone; unless you are blind and happen to have your hands around my neck. I am giddy about my secret moniker which serves as a personal reminder that I am enough. I am powerful. I am a BADASS!
Badass sounds great but what I am really describing is confidence. Necklace or not, a confident woman is comfortable in her own skin and defines her personal sense of style. She definitely is in touch with what she desires and takes action toward her goals. She colors inside and outside of the lines! Confident women face their fears while oozing positive energy.
A confident woman appreciates external validation and achievements but she is not dependent upon them. She communicates her power with her walk and her smile. You sense her before you hear her speak.
How do you find your confidence? Confidence is built from self-love. You confidence reservoir is ready to be filled!
- Make a list of your positive attributes. It doesn’t matter if there is only one thing on your list. Start there. Then love the heck out of that part of you. Celebrate your strengths. Be grateful.
- Post a note on the bathroom mirror reminding you that you are an exceptional human. Set a daily alarm to remind you of your strengths at least once a day.
- Be aware of how you speak to yourself. If you tell yourself you are a loser, you are going to believe you are a loser. Often we speak to ourselves so harshly, much more harshly than we would speak to a friend. The Tiny Talk demons (critical voices) can bring out the worst in anyone.
Confidence ebbs and flows. You can have confidence in some areas of your life, like on the job, and not in others, like with dating. Confidence is a belief in your abilities which is validated by experience.
If you met me you’d likely say I was one of the most confident women you’d ever meet. Yes, I am very confident but I bet you didn’t guess I was also one of the most self-critical women you’d ever meet? My Tiny Talk is dominated with the voice that picks me apart like vultures on fresh road kill. I’ve become “Oscar-worthy” when it comes to acting like nothing bothers me but actually, I am quite sensitive. I like to use visual reminders that I am worthy so if a necklace reminds me that I am an awesome then so be it. Simple strategies are good strategies.
But I blame the necklace for what happened...
There are certain songs that grab your attention because you think that the lyrics were either written about you or just for you. One of those songs is “BRAVE” by Sara Bareilles. While I have not seen the movie, I do love the song. It starts out:
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way words do
And they settle ‘neathy your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
(now the chorus)
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
BRAVE. I used to define bravery as taking action in the face of life threatening danger. Police officers, firefighters, and soldiers are brave but now I realize I was wrong. Without diminishing these examples of bravery, it is only fair to acknowledge that bravery includes a far larger group of people.
Bravery can be found in all of us; amongst everyday people living everyday lives.
For example, you discovered your voice and publicly expressed your opinion, putting aside the fear of ridicule, making a mistake and rocking the boat. You are brave.
You asked for help because it was getting too difficult to deal with the dark, self-defeating thoughts shouting in your head. You are brave.
You said no instead of yes. You are brave.
We all have the opportunity to experience quiet, private moments of bravery and these moments are worth acknowledging. They are steps worthy of celebration. Brave doesn’t have to be BIG because Brave is BIG.
Brave is sitting with your feelings.
Brave is acknowledging what scares you.
Brave is forgiving yourself.
Brave is opening your heart to love again.
Brave is doing the right thing, not the easy thing
Brave is starting a conversation that matters.
Brave is saying you are sorry.
Brave is trying something new.
The song continues:
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is (now the chorus)
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
The funny thing is that everyday people rarely think of themselves as brave. Me included!! But remember, you have courageously stared down your fear and bravely moved forward. You heard your inner voice saying, “you got this” or “you can do it” and that any outcome is better than the status quo. Brave people hear their wise Girlfriend Voice urging them on.
Brave is letting go of what doesn’t serve you.
Brave is risking failure.
Brave is telling your story; without skipping the ugly...
Singlehood of The Traveling (Hiking) Pants
It’s September and I love this month for so many reasons but especially because it is a month of transition. I am still transitioning even though it’s been a year since the “Un-divorce” became final — final. To celebrate the next chapter of my independent life, I gifted myself a two week SOLO adventure to Peru– my first time in South America! I have to admit that I am quite proud of myself for possessing the courage to get away without a traveling companion. As a result, I feel stronger both mentally and physically.
Now why Peru of all places? I have been fortunate to visit places like The Great Wall of China, The Pyramids in Egypt and Angor Wat in Cambodia so I was anxious to explore the ancient Incan ruins of Machu Picchu. More importantly, I was ready to explore myself — take a deep turn inward by creating the space necessary to get in touch with my Soul and clear out the clutter! Plus there is something delicious about being “anonymous” in a foreign country that deepens my sense of adventure. Plus — plus, Latin men are “muy caliente”! (“Meow,” said the cougar!)
The trip was full of excitingly rich and spiritual experiences as well as many snort and laugh moments such as when my gorgeous tour guide Roger inquired, “What’s wrong with you? You have no husband, no boyfriend and no friends? Why do you travel alone?” My response, “Dearest hot, handsome, young Roger (he is a mere 35 years of age), it is by choice I’m alone and if you keep smiling that way, you are going to get lucky with this Gringa!” OK, I didn’t say ALL of that BUT I thought it quite longingly! Turns out Roger needed no encouragement to pursue said Gringa but that’s another story altogether (wink, wink)!!
Do I always seem to find the party or does the party always find me??? Two memorable evenings included dancing and music. A family invited a few of us into their home for Chicha (Yuck!) and even though they only spoke Quechua, we danced and laughed regardless of the communication barrier. “I don’t need no stink’in language to have a good time!” In another village I joined the festivities by dancing and drinking (bottled beer this time) with beautifully dressed ladies celebrating their patron saint Rosa de Lima. Get drunk and dance, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hasty to give up Catholicism?
Did you know that the definition of “wealthy” in these villages is simply that there is ample food for the family? In fact many of the indigenous principles still practiced are simple yet extremely powerful. In an article by Dutch journalist Peter Liefhebber he describes, “The Incas had...
Cel-e-brate Good Times, Come On!
Hello! Celebrate (NOT celibate) Good Times! COME ON!! Four years ago I published my first blog on My Girlfriend Voice. Yahoo! I am grateful for the opportunity and courage to share my life with you. Later this week I am taking off on a solo trip of a lifetime and during my adventure, I will be reflecting on the stories I have shared with you. I will also invest some time thinking about what may unfold in future posts.
I feel more empowered than ever that my voice is one that has a place in the world and that my voice may help someone; either with a good old fashioned eye roll, a belly laugh or most importantly, lessen their sense of isolation. You are not alone.
So while I am away, enjoy a few of my previous posts. Here is the one that started it all!!
September 1, 2011
One day I was sitting in traffic when I noted that my critical voice must have gone on sabbatical. I was keeping company with a new voice, more comparable to a trusted girlfriend. She is realistic, always supportive and wise. At times, a tad sassy! While I don’t believe I can completely squelch my critical voice, I can minimize her with the banter of My Girlfriend Voice.
Call me crazy, I agree but it is the good kind of happy crazy! Seriously though, what type of info does My Girlfriend Voice affectionately whisper in my ear?
- On receiving feedback on a project: You could take those comments personally or take them seriously. It’s not about you here.
- When the teenager becomes the “mean-ager”: BREATHE This child is trapped in a hormonally laden body and someday you will like each other again.
- After a particularly frustrating day: You ARE good enough just as you are in this very moment. Pause and celebrate your splendid self.
So how did My Girlfriend Voice evolve? I won’t bore you with the details of what I affectionately term my decade of drama or “DD” but let me say that I was continually given more than I thought I could handle. While I manifested a Martha Stewart exterior, my interior was one hot mess. Talk about tumultuous! At the same time, I was approaching the magical period in life where you learn who you are and where your passions reside. Much easier said than done and if you don’t agree, you should stop reading here. We can’t be friends.
Eight years into my “DD”, I hit bottom. Nothing made sense or satisfied me. My sadness loomed larger than any other emotion. I needed help but this power woman would rather walk naked through rush hour traffic than ask for help. Somewhere though, I heard a voice that said “THIS” is bigger than you and you deserve happiness. Viola’! My Girlfriend Voice makes her debut. (BTW, I...
Cutting Down the Tall Poppies
You may be able to relate to these thoughts. You are at your exercise class and you can’t help but zero in on the one person present that doesn’t seem to sweat. Her moves are effortless, completely graceful and actually beautiful to observe. I on the other hand grab a sweat rag because I drip rather than glow as soon as I exert any effort! For a few seconds I think I hate that seemingly tight bodied perfect woman!
A few more seconds go by and I stop hating her as my thoughts lighten and move toward gratitude. I feel a sense of awe at her dedication and while I know nothing of her personal story, she works hard at staying healthy. I applaud her. I am inspired by her. I want to be more like her! I’m in love with the perfect girl!
But what if I didn’t let my hateful feelings evaporate? My stinging annoyance would build into burning resentment and soon all of my thinking would be TOXIFIED. Unknowingly, the woman becomes the target of my rage – the dartboard for my dart.
This is an example of Tall Poppy Syndrome. According to the illustrious Wikipedia, it is defined as a pejorative term primarily used in Anglosphere nations to describe a social phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are resented, attacked, cut down, or criticized because their talents or achievements elevate them above or distinguish them from their peers.
I can relate to being the Tall Poppy. Being a former beauty queen, you would think I would be comfortable about my appearance but I still have trouble accepting a compliment! I feel far more comfortable hiding in a group – wanting to be average. Please know me as smart, not pretty! I wanted to be beige as to not attract too much attention. I was fighting against my need to shine because somehow shining was and is too dangerous.
I wanted to known by you but not seen by you. I’m complicated that way.
Over the years I have become comfortable in my own skin. I could really appreciate how Selma Hayek said in an interview with Oprah, “You simply have to be who you are. Yes, I am beautiful. I have thighs and a butt. I have cellulite. I fight with it every day. I don’t exercise. I eat pork and I love red wine. But yes, I am beautiful and famous—and yet the things I like about myself have nothing to do with that…..” YES! She is more than her looks or her fame.
Last week a friend asked me how I managed to remain so positive despite years of struggle. She said, “You make life look so easy and sometimes I just have to hate you.” We laughed and I deeply appreciate her honesty. I told her that I still have days when I can’t get off the couch because my emotions overwhelm me but in general I have developed some pretty good coping...
If Your Happy and You Know it Thank Your Ex!!!
There was something electric in the air last Sunday. Everywhere I went I received a healthy amount of attention—both male and female. I had on jeans with a simple top, little make up and my hair had that “just blown in from the beach” look (aka three days without a shampoo). I was out and about, enjoying the company of friends after an afternoon dance workshop. I wasn’t dressed to impress by any means.
At a restaurant, an older gentleman sauntered over to ask me, “Do you always wear clothing to match your eyes? Your eyes are like Blue Diamonds. I am going to call you that, Blue Diamond!” I was flattered (I have a soft spot for sweet old men) until I realized Blue Diamonds sounds like a cleaning product — it is also a brand name for dog food so I am feeling less inclined to monogram my towels “B.D.” Still, that old geezer meant well. Such a cutie! You have to give him credit for coming over to chat.
Another man approached me to tell me that while he now has a girlfriend, he was guilty of having a crush on me for the last two years. He said, “The moment I looked into your eyes I felt a connection with you! I’ve always hoped we could get together but now I’m taken.” I paused and smiled. I practiced looking happily surprised rather than creeped out. It was a chance to practice kindness. I graciously thanked him and wished him a very long and healthy relationship. Mazel tov. Invite me to your wedding!
My favorite moment of the day was when a gentleman came over and said, “I’ve been watching you and how people react to you. You really light up the room. I wanted to come over and tell you.” I was momentarily speechless. (a rare moment, huh?) This was an impressive conversation starter and I was hooked. We continued to chat for another twenty minutes about topics that I love such as authenticity, positive energy and the advantages of living gratefully. How refreshing to have a real conversation with a stranger, especially a man! And then he left me, never asking for my phone number nor commenting about my eyes. Wait, don’t you like my eyes? LOL
Why was this conversation the best part of my day? Yes it was flattering to be approached but the BIG reason is that this stranger confirmed that the work I do internally is manifesting externally. My happiness is showing!
For years I wanted to be seen as the perfect wife, the dedicated mother and the consummate professional because I equated success in those roles with a happy life. It is not an easy formula. I was handing over my happiness to the “other half” of the equation; the husband, the child, the job!
Years later I realize that I am not going to be happy unless I...
My positive, supportive, wise inner voice! She is my advocate. She is invested in the “authentic me”.
Last week I wrote about how I wanted to find an image to illustrate the concept of My Girlfriend Voice. Here is how I see this wonderfully positive, supportive and wise woman who resides in my Soul. This is what I see today and perhaps the look will change with the seasons……. Putting a face with a name helps me connect with her!
What does your Girlfriend Voice look like?
In this moment, she is telling you that you are beautiful and everything you need to be. You are good enough. You are a gift to the world! Can you hear her speaking to you?
From the heart,
The latest cover of Psychology Today says “Your Inner Voice; How to Talk to Yourself and Why it Matters”. I feel so validated! My Girlfriend Voice is my Inner Voice—the positive inner voice—she keeps me safe and sane. She helps drowned out the cacophony of critical voices ruminating in the back corners of my mind. Can you believe there was no mention of me in the article? (LOL- I talk and laugh at myself! So there!)
One of the key findings in the article is that HOW you conduct your inner monologue influences the success level of the tool. It says in lieu of using “I”, let your inner voice call you by name, i.e. “Caramia, you need to give yourself the same compassion you give to others.” The work of Dr. Ethan Kross cites that when you personalize the message in this way, there is a higher level of confidence and successful performance. The why of how of his theory is well worth the read. (June 2015 issue)
After a particularly stressful weekend, I chose to spend Sunday afternoon following my own advice. I happy to say I’ve made the transition from THINKING about what is good for me to actually DOING what is good for me. MGV advised me to sit with my emotions and cry it out, jot down my thoughts whether they made sense or not and finally, do something creative. I was thankful she didn’t say go exercise so I got out my art supplies before she changed her mind!
At the dementia center where I volunteer, I heard myself saying that I wasn’t an artist like my brother and father. A woman asked me how I knew I couldn’t draw if I had never tried? This is one of those moments when I think the voice of an angel is channeling through a mortal being. Truth being I don’t really know. I considered myself a failure without ever trying!
Back to my pencil and paper. If I created a visual image for My Girlfriend Voice, what would she look like?
I know MGV is a colorful, free spirited soul. She has big eyes and an easy smile. Of course she has good hair and great personal style. Applying my vision to paper is a dizzyingly curious and delightful exercise. I’m getting lost in the process!
What does your Girlfriend Voice look like? Please describe her for me! Post her picture…. I promise to post my creation both here and on our Facebook page once I find her. The image I posted today titled. “Find Yourself,” is innocent yet hauntingly wise and she reminds me that we often put on one face publicly while hiding the face of our authentic self. Sometimes we don’t know who she is and sometimes we don’t like who we are. A whole blog topic in itself!
In closing, Lisa M. Hayes said it beautifully. “Be careful how you talk to yourself because you are listening!”
From the heart,
I have always wanted my home to be a place where people could stop by and I wouldn’t be worried whether there were dirty dishes in the sink or my bed was unmade. I want people to visit, have something good to eat and immediately feel comfortable. I want my home to be the place you say, “Ahhh, I feel better now!”. My home is my oasis, my sanctuary, or as I like to say, my little Zen Den.
I dedicated Sunday to cleaning my Zen Den; a chore I actually enjoy. Magazines often feature a “ten minute clean up” which essentially means you hide dirty dishes in the oven and toss your clutter into the closet. It looks good on the surface but lies in wait for your attention to return. I’d rather keep things neat as I go reserving the big jobs for the weekends.
The first room on my list was the kitchen. I can no longer ignore the smell belching from my refrigerator every time the door opens. Some odoriferous army must have secretly invaded while I wasn’t looking! My baking soda and white vinegar rinse wasn’t sufficient to disarm them so today I will resort to the big guns: an apron, rubber gloves and hot soapy water.
Thoughts of the week run through my mind as I wipe down shelves and dispose of the expired items. It occurs to me that not only do I have a physical home to maintain, even more importantly I have a spiritual home to maintain. Pretty profound thinking for a sober Sunday afternoon! As Oprah would say, “It was a tweetable moment!” (I don’t tweet but I like you to think Oprah and I hang out.)
I call my spiritual home “my Soul” for lack of a better word. SOUL sounds so pretentious and as vague at the same time. My Soul is my emotional engine and the home of My Girlfriend Voice. It is where my wisdom and intuition hang their shingle. To keep my Soul healthy, I too need to keep it clean!
My Soul feeds my emotional state as my frig helps feed my physical state. While you could hire someone to clean your kitchen, you cannot hire anyone to clean your spiritual home. No outsourcing this inside job! Ha, ha. Cracking myself up with again…….
The shelves of my Soul can get sticky and filled with useless items. My Soul’s chilly crisper drawer can hold onto negativity and grudges. Or like today, my Soul can shine bright and smell like lemons!
So what do I mean by the maintenance of the Soul?
- Do you pause at least daily to memorialize what you are grateful for?
- Do you pause to evaluate what made you feel exceptionally positive or present?
- Do you pause to review what made you feel yucky?
By yucky, I mean those times when you feel uncomfortable, when you are in a messy spot and while you’d rather not go there, you know you NEED to go there. Avoidance, like hiding dirty dishes in the oven, only...
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most self-critical of them all? Me, me, me!!!
Recently I was asked if I would emcee a local event. What may be a frightening role to many, lands me well within my comfort zone. I really shine in this capacity, thank you to my high school teacher and acting coach Mr. Bashara. I have deeper fears than public speaking but that is whole nuther ball of wax!
Besides, this was an opportunity to dress up and talk to people– two of my favorite activities. My dance group was asked to perform a salsa number at the same event and it was my first time dancing with the team. I may have “Broadway in my blood” but a sparkle bra and choreography tends to knock me a few feet outside of my comfort zone! Oddly I am perfectly comfortable in a solo but group choreography is where the rubber hits the road. Turn the wrong way and everyone knows!
Now if you are going to dance in front of people, I highly recommend wearing a sparkle bra! I felt like my bra gave me “super powers”, which unfortunately did not translate to my feet but did help fuel my DD’s; my Diva-tude Demeanor”! This was part of our costume – to be worn under a sheer blouse. Ok, I admit that it was my idea to make it part of the costume! Go big or go home.
I have always loved acting and perhaps this is one of the reasons I can sell myself. Whoa people– not in the literal sense! I am strictly speaking in metaphors!! I appear super confident and charming and on the outside with Teflon coated nerves. WTF, I just realized I could be describing myself AND a sociopath! Rest assured I am not a sociopath. I care far too much for myself, I mean others, to be labeled this way.
My acting skills allowed me to play the part of a happy person for years. Even my closest friends had no idea that I was struggling with depression. Had they opened my chest, (again, metaphorically as my friends are not creepy like that!) they would have seen my broken heart covered with deep wounds and necrotic tissue. Today those scars have healed and they take up far less space than they did ten years ago. The necrosis has reversed and my heart shines with resilience. What may surprise you are the tiny tender bruises of new injuries; those that I inflict upon myself every time I believe what critical voice has to say.
Yes, my friends. Words are weapons, especially when they originate from your inner critic. So less than twelve hours after a spectacular success, I looked at my photos and felt run over by negative imagery. I laser focused toward the part of me I hate the most, my belly and thought, “You look like you are about to birth twenty two kittens. Who in the hell let me go out there without any Spanx????”
My Girlfriend Voice was silent. I knew...