I never liked being called by name. Why? It meant I was in trouble or in the spotlight. Or just maybe I’d be asked a question I couldn’t answer. God forbid I’d make a mistake or sound stupid!
Plus my name is mispronounced more than it is said correctly. Here’s a tip; remember CARE-uh or Care Bear.
And deep in my brain I associate excess attention with possible danger. I don’t want to attract the wrong kind of people; the people who claim to love me but don’t.
I also love anonymity — silently observing my environment; collecting information from sights and sounds. Staying in the shadows equals control. Control and I are so damn compatible.
I see now that I have a pattern of not receiving attention from the people I loved the most. My young mind equated their lack of response with being less than desirable. Something had to be wrong with me or perhaps I just wasn’t deserving? Tell me you haven’t had the same type of thoughts?
So what did I do? The less attention, the harder I worked. I over-achieved. I denied my own desires, sacrificing myself soliciting any sort of external validation. I needed them to make me feel good so I gave my all until I couldn’t anymore.
THE TANK RAN DRY. I BROKE OPEN.
It takes courage to go within; to confront painful memories and the resulting behavior patterns. It’s actually more than courage; it’s guts and grit. Self-reflection and the commitment to change is not for the weak! And I don’t always see through my stories so I have to credit my support system of Soul Sisters and a gifted therapist for guiding me on this journey.
TEASING APART THE LAYERS IS MY RECIPE FOR HEALING.
I believed what I was told. I believed I was pathetically broken and I felt broken so it was easy! A victim mindset makes a great foundation for shaming, blaming, complaining, raging etc. In order to move forward I had to believe that I am NOT useless or dysfunctional. I had to believe in myself and my worthiness.
I AM COMPLEX, SCARRED, SOMETIMES SHAKEN BUT I AM NOTHING LESS THAN WHOLE. I AM THE SUM OF MY EXPERIENCES.
So as I grow softer and wiser, I grow towards remembering my uncensored essence. My red lipped smile and sassy silver streaked hair may give you the impression that I don’t have a care in the world. I even smile through my tears! Dearest, don’t let your first impression be a lasting one. I am human just like you. I feel it all.
As the seasons progress, I am shed layers of old expectations; some sliding off effortlessly and others hesitant to leave their weathered shell. I’m tending to the garden of me; deadheading so that my energy is redirected towards stability and new growth.
TENDING TO BOTH HARSH CONDITIONS AND LUSH FERTILE SEASONS; I BECOME WHO I FORGOT I WAS.
I am convinced that every emotion is valid. And every experience offers the opportunity to learn or...
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