I feel a type of rawness these days. A rawness resulting from stripping away most of my blame, shame and guilt. I’ve shed the heavy layered untruths and all of what no longer suits me.
I have discarded the limitations I’ve carried around since youth like a snake sheds it skin.
A bright light now shines into my heart, illuminating the bruises and battle wounds; sparking optimism.
The searing hot truth of knowing “I am enough” and “I am worthy” glistens on my skin.
It all comes down to choice. You can sit in discomfort or let the discomfort move through you.
You can allow pain to paralyze you or fuel your transformation.
I am over 50, divorced after a long, unhappy marriage and an empty-nester. I am estranged from one son and long for him to be healthy and free from chasing his dragon. The other son’s life mimics a page from a fashion catalog; European cut suits and jogs along the ocean at sunset.
I could look at myself as old and damaged or I can say, “Hello, Beautiful. Thanks for showing up! I’m glad you’ve arrived.
Now that I have stripped away pretense, expectations and assumption, I am ready to thrive a beautifully imperfect and quirky life.
I step into uncertainty, a little apprehensive, yet willing to take the journey. As I told my Girlfriends, “The risk is worth the reward, in fact there is far more risk in not taking action than to end up living with regret from a life played too safe and too small.
Uncertainty. I will accept uncertainty because I trust myself to make good decisions. I will not let fear drive outcome.
With uncertainty comes surrender. I surrender the need to be right and to always lead where there is wisdom in learning how to follow.
Surrender seeds possibility and soothes my weary, analytical mind. I do not always have to be right.
Courage is my compass.
Resilience and God’s grace have delivered me to the sweet intersection of vulnerability and empowerment.
From the heart,
Dancing with my Demon
What a &#$^%#$&* week this has been — lesson after lesson reinforcing that I have to accept what is out of my control. I hate it. I hate the way I feel.
Sadly, I am watching someone close to me self-destruct. Despite multiple opportunities, much love and attention, this person is on a wild trajectory. While I know his journey has nothing to do with me, there are days when I would gladly trade places just to give him a sense of peace and direction; some stillness in his crazy world.
Turning the focus inward, my biggest personal demon is the need for control.
Believing I am in control reduces the chances of being stupid or disappointed, right?
DUH, sadly it is just a big fat set up!!! Control has many downsides. Overly preparing for every scenario precludes spontaneity and natural learning not to mention FUN and deep feeling. My control and probably yours too, is driven by fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear feeling disappointed. I fear getting hurt. I fear being lied to. I FEAR.
Dancing with my Demon
One of my strategies for fighting the need for be in control is mitigated by taking dancing lessons which require partnering. With dance, the body retains form but the soul must relax enough to feel the music. The more I tune into my partner, the better I dance. Listening, feeling and then trusting my partner to lead the dance is intoxicatingly seductive. A good carrot at the end of the stick!
Another thing I fear is Alzheimer’s disease. Losing my memory and the ability to care for myself frightens me more than any other disease. A really amazing opportunity fell into my lap which I couldn’t help but appreciate it’s larger cosmic significance. A local volunteer group called to see if I was willing to work with early stage Alzheimer’s patients. For an hour a week, I will read aloud and facilitate a discussion group. People struggling to stay present, to remember their name and simple details of their life will be MY teachers, demonstrating not only the importance of living in the moment but the ability to receive help.
Control fools you into believing that you can shape the reactions and actions of others.
NOT! Control is an “ultimate distraction” because it keeps me from looking at my own behavior. Fear makes you think you know better; you know more! Jach Pursel of Lazarus.com writes, “In the consensus reality, there are those who live control. They have no idea (and don’t care to know) of its devastation. They don’t care to know the damage that it can do, the successes it can sabotage, the hopes it can dash, the dreams it can destroy. They don’t want to have anything to do with looking at how it fuels and fosters so much of the denial and the resistance they have. They don’t want to...