It’s a Good Thing I Like You
“It’s a good thing I like you.” Have you ever caught yourself using that phrase? I have said it when a friend was late meeting me for dinner but she didn’t have any good reason for her tardiness. I thought, “It’s a good thing I like you.” I said the same thing when my dog ate my cinnamon roll as I turned my back to grab the phone. I said it to my son when he forgot to pick me up from the library. He is damn lucky I like him!
Have I ever applied, “it’s a good thing I like you” to myself? To my own actions? Easy answer. I have said it to myself only once and it just so happened last week.
Last Sunday I headed out to my Salsa practice. Since it was the weekend, I took extra time getting ready. I was feeling pretty damn sexy in a black lace outfit when I headed out the door. Well, it didn’t take long before I was snapped out of the sexy zone into an OMG zone. You see spinning around, my heel caught on the back hem of my skirt, pulling the whole thing down to mid-thigh in one smooth motion! Now, my first thought was, “Thank goodness you have on nice panties!” followed quickly by, “It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself!!!”. Who would have known that a wardrobe malfunction would have turned out to be such a positive thing?
I find that I’m a more forgiving of others foibles than I am of my own. What about life has conditioned this response? Rather than debate the origin, it is easier to focus on the benefits of applying “self-like”.
I find I am more present. I am less reactive and far more responsive. I am more confident.
Suggested thoughts—try it out and see how it fits!
- I like you and you are worthy of love and happiness.
- I like you just the way you are. You are beautiful.
- I like you. You are capable and compassionate.
“It’s a good thing I like you because you still haven’t put those Christmas decorations away!” said me to myself!
This is another way My Girlfriend Voice speaks to me. How does your Girlfriend Voice speak to you?
From the heart,
Cara
Leaving the Comfort Zone
The world can be a scary place—-especially when you start to recognize your true potential. Tasting and trusting your own power can scare the hell out of you! I posted a quote earlier in the week that people will discourage you from acting on your dreams because they fear you will succeed. The NEW you may leave them behind and since they lack the courage to reach for their own dreams, they’d rather you keep each other company in “unfulfilled land”.
If it is not someone else discouraging you, you may be discouraging yourself. Self-sabotage is real. I’ll use writing this blog as an example. For years people have encouraged me to write my stories and thoughts but my response was, “I am not a writer or who would read it?” Correction. Everyone is a writer, I just don’t happen to make a living from it. Secondly, who cares if anyone reads my blog! I write for the pleasure of sharing and hopefully, building a community of like-minded individuals. I rely on daily inspiration found in books and on the web so this is my way of paying forward what I have learned/will learn/need to learn…..get my drift?Writing keeps me grounded in today. When people say they wish they could follow one of their dreams, I ask them these questions:
Question: What is the worst thing that can happen if you follow your dream?
Answer: You won’t like it. At least you will know it wasn’t for you!
Question: I won’t be good at “it” so why try something new?
Answer: Are you really saying you fear failure? Look at your endeavor as “progress not perfection”! Besides, not every change/adventure has to be a public proclamation.
Question: I don’t have time to do anything else. I have too much on my plate now.
Answer: You do have time—if you want to find it. It may mean rearranging your schedule to allow a little time for yourself. You may need to let go of other things, especially the activities and people that don’t make you excited anymore, because if you want IT, you have to make IT happen. This is an active process. Dreams don’t happen by wishing!
Question: How will you feel if you don’t do “it”?
Answer: I will probably regret it. I’ll get over it. Doesn’t everybody have regrets?
I was quite uncomfortable when I started salsa dancing but the pleasure outweighed my discomfort. I am sticking with it! I was also terrible at tennis so after a 4-part class, I decided this was one thing I could let go of, at least for now! I started knitting again last year but I have yet to make a set of fingerless gloves that match in size. I unravel and start again shrugging my shoulders—no big deal. ...
The Force…
For many years when I to had to tackle a huge task, especially a stressful situation, I would resort to my super hero powers. I channeled something to the likes of Xena Warrior Princess. I’d have the grit and energy of a fierce mama bear protecting her cubs but I’d be glowing sexy hot donning a leather skirt and bikini top. Fighting for the greater good while kicking ass!
When I wasn’t channeling Xena, I comfortably fell into my other mode; the Gumby mode. Gumby was cute and flexible and a perfect shade of green. Gumby bends over backward with ease, happily putting others needs in front of his/her own. BUT when I became Gumby, I’d ultimately stretch myself too thin and become no good to anyone. Flexibility was a exhausting!
There was no middle mode or neutral gear. I was either Xena or Gumby or kinda of blank; lights on but no one home. Emotions were tucked away for another time because I had little time (or desire) to feel unsettled. It was quite exhausting to jump from one extreme to the other but I knew no other way. It wasn’t like my friends and I were talking about these things. We all had perfect lives; or so we thought.
Attention please: That was then and this is now. Xena and Gumby have been retired!
Giving myself permission to operate differently was the first step in this transformation. It required a leap of faith! I was venturing outside of a comfortable operating system and playing around with an unvalidated update! I had to believe that I had the capacity and the ability to deal with a wider range of emotions. I had to willingly sit with my emotions; even the ones that are uncomfortable. I vowed to remain openhearted and committed.
Happily I discovered that my new operating system included a super hero power which I affectionately call, “THE FORCE”. The force is like a blanket of reassurance which grounds me while at the same time, unveils a vast resource of possibility. I feel an energy surge around me, whispering “slow down”. I am able to weigh the options and remain authentic; objective and compassionate. I don’t have to become a warrior because my power is confident, quiet and as such is far more effective.
Is learning a new skill easy? Heck no. Operating in a new mode is like learning a new skill. It takes practice so I have to remind myself all the time to focus on my progress. I am not going to beat myself up striving for perfection. I allow myself to feel and there are times when I am overwhelmed so I have to take a break to refresh myself by not thinking or feeling anything at all. Other times I embrace the FORCE and let the whoop ass fly!
The Force helps me find WHAT IS TRUE. Isn’t that what really matters– the TRUTH?
I know, you are probably wondering...
The Responsible One
Responsibility is an interesting topic. I am not sure I think much about the topic of “responsibility” until I experience someone avoiding their responsibility and I am impacted!! I proudly define myself as a responsible person. I hear Mom’s telling their children, “It’s your responsibility”. I hear bosses, teachers and doctors using the same phrase.
So I ask you, if you set aside the obvious (job and family), what ultimately is your responsibility?
I think back to when I was a young. My responsibility was to help out at home and listen to my teachers. As I grew up, my responsibility was to continue with my education and secure a good job. Over the next twenty years, I was responsible for taking care of my family. As I approach another milestone birthday I have started wonder, what happened to the responsibility of taking care of me and my happiness? Was I absent the day they taught introspection and self-care?
Would I feel successful taking care of my family if I didn’t take care of myself simultaneously? Would I thrive in my career if I hadn’t identified my strengths and passions? The answer is NO and this is why many of us come to a screeching halt in midlife. We get lost in the trap of doing what we think we should be doing or lost in the process of completing a goal just to complete it. Do you build a house on a faulty foundation without any future consequences?
Let me restate the question for you.
Question: What are you responsible for?
Updated Answer: I am responsible for my own happiness.
This is pretty simple yet extremely profound, right? If my happiness includes speaking Greek, jogging in the rain or wearing purple everyday then I have the responsibility to do those things for ME. No one else can make me happy. You have heard it before. Happiness is an inside job.
I hear you doubting me….. Yes, I am happy when my children are happy, BUT, my happiness is not dependent upon my children, or anyone else for that matter but little old me. I am happy when I secure a new client, find great boots on clearance and giggle with the girls but again, my happiness in not dependent on these experiences. My happiness is ENHANCED by these experiences. Enhanced; yes. Dependent; no.
My happiness is a personal interpretation. If I depend on you to tell me what makes me happy or to do things to make me happy then I spend a hell of a lot of time waiting for may not happen. Rather than happiness filling me up, it is more likely I will be dominated by the feelings of impatience and resentment. This gets old really fast. Happiness contingent upon something or someone else is like expecting to win at the blackjack table. The odds are with the dealer and not you. You might win some but you...
The “D” word; Redefined
On Friday I spent the day in bed with a cold. Sitting quietly, for an entire day is not easy for me. I’m tired but not tired enough to sleep and I have the attention span of a five year old so reading a novel is out of the question. Journaling was the only activity that fit my state of mind so I jotted down some notes on life.
I noticed that my mind kept coming back to the topic of “disability”. First of all, the word “DISABILITY” really irks me. Yes, there is a “limitation” but is this person really without ability? If you have a physical limitation, it is easier for me to identify your limitation, but what about a limitation that I cannot see?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, tens of millions of American experience mental disorders every year but only a small fraction receive treatment. Serious mental illness effects one in four families.
What about a brain injury caused by a car accident, a hit and run mind you, which results in severe headaches? Or my coworker with fibromyalgia who has good and bad days, but still shows up to work despite her pain? How about the soldiers returning home from the Middle East with PTSD?
My elderly friends with early Alzheimer’s may not be able to remember the story I read to them last week but usually I can’t either! They lose connections to words faster than they lose connection to emotions. In fact, I feel they are highly sensitized to how people feel about them.
Those that suffer a “limitation” do not want to be treated differently, it is quite the opposite. Those with a “limitation” often suffer frustration and shame that many of us cannot comprehend. Most upsetting, those with a “limitation” are often discriminated against.
Discrimination of the worst kind is that which rides under the radar AND is socially acceptable. There are mean smirks, the rude comments, palpable tension between co-workers and …….……Isolation. It is this behavior that feeds the fuel called STIGMA. People become ashamed of their differences and hide them rather than fearlessly share them with others.
I am haunted by the memory of an individual being accused of intoxication when buying a movie ticket because he had trouble presenting the right amount of money to the bitchy cashier. He was developmentally different (I won’t use the word disabled anymore). He didn’t want trouble. He wanted to see a darn movie like everybody else in line behind him.
Let me tell you what I define as a DISABILITY; as inspired by The World According to Mr. Rogers.
- the inability to get in touch with your feelings
- the inability to take responsibility for your actions
- the inability to form lasting, intimate relationships
Mr Rogers writes, “Part of...
Hot Spots!!
I can’t remember feeling this happy in a very long time so of course, I don’t want the weekend to end. This weekend I was celebrating my birthday with friends. Lydia made me a tiara that said, “Nothing could be finer than to be a 49er!” Yes indeed, I’m feeling FINE at forty nine!
I did however have a moment where my Girlfriend Voice had to kick my butt. Simone and I were looking at photos and my eyes immediately went to, dare I even admit this, to my stomach and my arms. Yes, I forgot the joy on my face. Yes, I forgot what was captured in the moment. I bet you this. Every single person reviewing photos did the same exact thing when they looked at their own image.
Did any of the ten people in the room even notice that I had a muffin top? Certainly no one felt nauseous when I took my sweater off to reveal bare arms. No one lost their appetite because of my wiggly jigglies! It is all in my mind’s eye.
Why are we so critical of ourselves? What is the root of this self-criticism?
- When we are young, someone criticizes or teases us and this creates a “hot spot”.
- The hot spot is a vulnerable area or topic. If you were teased for a big nose, you are likely going to be self-conscious of your nose for eternity! I was teased for having a flat butt– called “pancake”! To this day I don’t appreciate my derriere.
- Our personal definition of “beautiful” somehow doesn’t apply to our self.
- We judge ourselves far more harshly than we judge others.
- Our minds magnify our self-imposed imperfections and remind us continually of our self-identified flaws.
Unfortunately living with criticism and self-loathing is easier than accepting and loving ourselves.
It makes me mad to even state that but it is the truth. Knowing this, how can we manage or even better, overcome our “hot spots”?
Celebrate what makes you unique. You are a vibrant human being and gift to the world!
Focus more on what IS right and less on what you don’t like or deem isn’t good enough.
Accentuate the positive. Be grateful.
When all else fails, keep a sense of humor……
I’m sitting on the couch in my PJ’s and the lyric comes to mind, “If loving me is wrong, I don’t want to be right”. I love my muffin top and my wiggly bare arms as much as I love cupcakes and champagne. I’m going to dedicate my 49th year to happily loving my unique self. I hope you’ll join me and celebrate all that is YOU too!
From the heart,
Cara
Dancing with my Demon
What a &#$^%#$&* week this has been — lesson after lesson reinforcing that I have to accept what is out of my control. I hate it. I hate the way I feel.
Sadly, I am watching someone close to me self-destruct. Despite multiple opportunities, much love and attention, this person is on a wild trajectory. While I know his journey has nothing to do with me, there are days when I would gladly trade places just to give him a sense of peace and direction; some stillness in his crazy world.
Turning the focus inward, my biggest personal demon is the need for control.
Believing I am in control reduces the chances of being stupid or disappointed, right?
DUH, sadly it is just a big fat set up!!! Control has many downsides. Overly preparing for every scenario precludes spontaneity and natural learning not to mention FUN and deep feeling. My control and probably yours too, is driven by fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear feeling disappointed. I fear getting hurt. I fear being lied to. I FEAR.
Dancing with my Demon
One of my strategies for fighting the need for be in control is mitigated by taking dancing lessons which require partnering. With dance, the body retains form but the soul must relax enough to feel the music. The more I tune into my partner, the better I dance. Listening, feeling and then trusting my partner to lead the dance is intoxicatingly seductive. A good carrot at the end of the stick!
Another thing I fear is Alzheimer’s disease. Losing my memory and the ability to care for myself frightens me more than any other disease. A really amazing opportunity fell into my lap which I couldn’t help but appreciate it’s larger cosmic significance. A local volunteer group called to see if I was willing to work with early stage Alzheimer’s patients. For an hour a week, I will read aloud and facilitate a discussion group. People struggling to stay present, to remember their name and simple details of their life will be MY teachers, demonstrating not only the importance of living in the moment but the ability to receive help.
Control fools you into believing that you can shape the reactions and actions of others.
NOT! Control is an “ultimate distraction” because it keeps me from looking at my own behavior. Fear makes you think you know better; you know more! Jach Pursel of Lazarus.com writes, “In the consensus reality, there are those who live control. They have no idea (and don’t care to know) of its devastation. They don’t care to know the damage that it can do, the successes it can sabotage, the hopes it can dash, the dreams it can destroy. They don’t want to have anything to do with looking at how it fuels and fosters so much of the denial and the resistance they have. They don’t want to...
